This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So vagazzling was a success
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
