Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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