Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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