My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
