That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just forgot I was standing up.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.