Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
