hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
