dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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