So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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