i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
