dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
