I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
