Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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