Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
