Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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