You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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