Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
