I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
