You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
