is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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