i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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