3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
why didn't you poke me back
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
