What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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