he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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