I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
