i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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