He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
