So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
All the doctor said was why
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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