i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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