i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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