i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
