I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
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this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
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Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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