While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
