I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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