Can Purell be used as lube?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
