Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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