I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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