the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
