I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
