I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
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I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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