guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
