she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
