You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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