She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
