:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
