And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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