im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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