I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
