I didn't shave. On purpose
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
