3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I deserve this hangover.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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