I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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