i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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