Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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