i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
