My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
