When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
