Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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